The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
