i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
