She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
