Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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