Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
