I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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