Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
