oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
