just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize