ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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