it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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