what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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