1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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