I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
