so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
