woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
