Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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