Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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