My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
