i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
