i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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