Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
