O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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