We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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