Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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