Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
