dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
