Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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