I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
