I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
