Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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