I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
