Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
