the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
