I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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