I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
