Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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