And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I got inside last night via doggy door
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
