i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
