You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
