Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
