Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
