he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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