Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
