He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
