Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
