you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
