the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
