Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
