seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize