I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
