why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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