12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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