They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
