Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
