She announced her abortion via fbk
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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