I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
