I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
