hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
