We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
