So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was like his penis was on wheels.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
