I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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