so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
