Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
