So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
