Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
