Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
