I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
And then he peed in my hair
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