it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
