chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
