you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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