and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
